Catch Your Children Being Good and other Proactive Positive Parenting Practices

"Harry Potter ran frantically through the halls of Hogwarts Castle desperate to escape the pursuit of the three monsters that gave relentless chase. Harry knew that there was no escape but still he pressed forward, knocking over furniture, jumping through walls and waving his magic wand to make obstacles appear each time his pursuers came within striking distance."

Six year old Timothy had spent the last hour and 15 minutes constructing his own personal Hogwarts with his Harry Potter Lego Set. His time and energy were focused on building castles and devising ways to save Harry from the mischief and mysteries that were created in his imagination and brought to life through his action figures.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Timothy's mother stops her activities periodically to listen and make sure that Tim's adventures with Harry do not get too rambunctious. She does not speak to Tim or enter the room where he is playing for fear that she will "break the spell" and he will shift activities to something that needs more active supervision. She gives thanks that he is having a good day and says a silent prayer that he will be able to keep himself entertained until she finishes with her current project. That is when it happens. During a particularly frantic struggle between Harry Potter and one of his mortal enemies, a lamp overturns and the bulb hits the ground with a loud, distinctive pop. The sound causes Mom to jump up from the table where she had been working and storm into the play room. "I knew something was going to get broken!", she rails. "You can never just play quietly without destroying something!"

Many of my clients inform me that their children never play quietly, are always getting into trouble or are constantly fighting with each other. These adverbs (never, always, constantly, etc.), may help a parent express their frustrations about their child's behaviors but are rarely accurate. Most children spend a lot of time in appropriate play but we, as parents, have a tendency to ignore our children when they are being good and focus in on them when they have disappointed us or done something wrong. Children crave attention and structure from their parents and current research tells us that in order to reinforce good behavior we should be handing out six to eight compliments to our children for every negative statement that we make to them.

Lets take a look at this from a different perspective. If you went to your job every day and the only time you heard from your boss was to be criticized with admonitions such as "Clean up your work space...", "Tuck in your pants...", "You are always screwing up...", "I just told you not to do that...", "What's wrong with you?", how long would it take before you just gave up? Our children need to be held responsible for the things that they do wrong with consequences for their unacceptable behavior (we will be looking at this next month), but, just as important, they need to be complimented, reinforced and "caught" being good. Part of discipline is to correct unwanted behavior. The other part is to reinforce the behaviors that we want to see continue in our children.

Let's turn back time and rejoin Timothy at Hogwarts prior to to the accident with the lamp. Mom/Dad could have taken the time to check in on Timothy while he was playing appropriately. A one minute check-in every 15-20 minutes gives your child positive attention, reinforces good behavior and, in many cases, can prevent accidents or deteriorating behaviors from happening because the child knows that the parents are paying attention. Below are some check-in responses that Mom/Dad could have used with Timothy:

"Timothy, it looks like you and Harry Potter are having some exciting adventures. I appreciate you playing nicely so that Mommy/Daddy can get some work done. I will check in with you again in a little while."

"You are doing a great job playing with your Legos. Because you are being so good I am going to make you and Harry a special snack in a few minutes."
"Can you tell Mommy/Daddy what you and Harry Potter have been up to?"
"Sounds like things are getting pretty crazy at Hogwarts but I need you and Harry to take a little break so that no one gets hurt and nothing gets broken."

These quick check-ins will reinforce the good behavior you want, give your child positive attention, and let you monitor how things are going so you can intervene when necessary before things become problems. I would like to make a special comment about the parents who asked their son what he and Harry Potter had been up to. By taking the time to enter your child's world of play you encourage your child's creativity, imagination and reinforce for them the importance of their appropriate play time. These simple steps, that only take about 5 minutes, are so much more important to your child's development than having them watch TV or play video games so you can have some time to get things done. So, catch your child being good and then praise and reward them for their efforts.

Here is another Positive Parenting Practice. Before you allow yourself to get mad at your child, make sure it is your child that you are mad at!

This is such an important concept that I would like to illustrate it with a story that I heard at a convention a few years ago. It seems that Mr. Smith, the President of a large company, was angry about his key employees being tardy for meetings and returning late from lunch every day. He sent a memo to each employee explaining that there would be serious consequences for anyone who was late starting that day. About a week later Mr. Smith was having lunch at the Country Club with friends and lost track of time which caused him to be late for a staff meeting he was to preside at. Mr. Smith was embarrassed about his indiscretion and in order to deflect any comments from his staff he immediately began yelling at his secretary, as he walked in the door, about a project that he knew was not due until the following day. The secretary was very upset about the way she was treated by her boss. When she returned home that night she found her 6 year old son lying on the floor in his school clothes watching TV. She yelled at her son, "How many times do I have to tell you to change your school clothes when you get home? Now go to your room!" The son stormed to his room, mumbling about how unfair his mother was being and just as he arrived at the door to his room the cat stuck it's head out to see what all the commotion was about. This was a mistake for the cat. As it soared across the room the son shouted, "I bet you have been up to something no good as well!"

In the above story Mr. Smith yelled at his secretary to deflect attention from his own failing. The secretary punished her son because she was mad at Mr. Smith and, as for the cat... well, it was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Have you ever had a bad day at work, had a fight with your partner or were just not feeling well and took out your anger and frustration on someone else? Has that someone ever been your kids? Your kids are developing a sense of what is right, fair and just and are looking for consistency when it comes to rules and expectations. Taking your bad day out on them will cause confusion, anger and acting out behaviors.

Our last Positive Parenting Practice will look at consistency. In order for children to understand and accept your parental expectations you, the parent, will need to be consistent.

This incident happened about nine years ago when my youngest son was just turning four. On this particular Saturday morning I had gotten up early to write and was in my basement office working on a story I needed to finish for a seminar. It was about 6:00 AM when I heard the pitter patter of little feet and knew that my son was awake and roaming the house. I decided to finish my thought before going up to join my child when I heard "it". The sound that parents of a toddler fear the most. It was quiet! Too quiet! I sprang from my typing, ran up the stairs and turned the corner just in time to see my son attempt to pour a full gallon of milk over his bowl of cereal. I stood helplessly and watched the wave of milk and cereal sweep across the table and cascade onto the floor. Because I was a father and therapist I knew exactly how to handle the situation. I screamed "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

My son's baffled expression said all that needed to be said. It was then that I remembered that just a few days before I had encouraged my son to get his own breakfast by telling him that he should try to do it himself. "What's the worst that could happen?," I had asked. "If the milk spills we will just clean it up!".

In this case, it was not my son's action that caused the problem but my lack of consistency in the messages that I was giving him. Too many times we allow our children to get away with something one day and get mad for the same infraction on a different day, or when we are tired, or upset with something totally unrelated to the incident at hand. Our children will respond to consistent messages from their parent(s), but they will also try to get away with things if the parents are inconsistent.

So, once again, here are the three Positive Parenting Practices that you can use to encourage the behavior that you want from your children 1) Catch Your Children Being Good. 2) Before You Allow Your self To Get Mad At Your Children, Make Sure It Is Your Children That You Are Mad At. And 3) Parents Need To Be Consistent! Use these Practices to encourage positive behavior and next month we will begin to discuss how to use consequences to change negative behaviors. Until next month – Try to catch your children being good!