In a court of law it is common to see a verdict overturned by a shrewd attorney. The purpose of commercial media, lobbyists, and politicians is to sway our decisions about the way we think. Having people attempting to change our minds has become so much a part of our lives and culture that we hardly notice it anymore. It would overwhelm us to respond to every attempt to manipulate our decisions so often it is best to just ignore them – Unless that manipulation is coming from our children.

Jennifer is thirteen years old and she is both angry at her father and determined to get what she wants."Why can't I go hang out at the mall?" she rails. "All my friends are allowed. I'm gonna' ask mom!"

A few blocks away, eight year old Diana is arguing with her mother who will not allow her to wear makeup to a friend's party. "Daddy will let me!," she announces curtly, "I'm going to ask him."

The Smith home finds fifteen year old Dylan embroiled in an argument with his mother about his curfew. Mrs. Smith wants Dylan inside by 9:00 PM on weeknights. Dylan responds with, "Dad lets me stay out until 10:00 PM! That's when my curfew is!" In all three of these cases the child has learned how to play one parent against the other in order to get what they want. They have learned to rely on the adage, "Divide and conquer." When children can get their parents into conflict about rules, limits or expectations – They Win!

Allowing your child to be manipulative is detrimental to the structure of the family, the integrity of the parents and the well being of the child. Let's take a look at the scenario's above and see how they affect the relationships within these families:

Jennifer has learned that when she does not get the answer that she wants from one of her parents she is free to ask for " a second opinion." This seemingly innocuous act has the ability to throw the entire structural stability of the family into turmoil. Her act of "mutiny" undermines the authority of her father. If the mother sides with her it will cause friction and resentment between the parents and empower the child to want to steer things in the future. It is also unhealthy for the child.

Studies show that children respond best to their world when they understand limits and expectations. In my practice I have worked with many children and adolescents that have been labeled "out-of-control" by parents, schools or other providers. I am always amazed to see how many times these tough clients respond positively once the parents take back control and set expectations. Children need the security of knowing that their parents are in charge so they can go about the business of "being children." When they use their energy getting into power struggles with adults they are assuming a role that they are not emotionally or mentally equipped to handle. This produces stress, role confusion and anxiety in the child as well as chaos within the family.

Diana learned very early what it meant to be "Daddy's Little Princess." Through trial and error she learned how to manipulate her father, who could not resist her pouty face and crushed expression when she could not have what she wanted. More often than not she could get Daddy to intervene on her behalf when Mom sets limits. This type of manipulation has become an issue between the parents who often argue about the rules and expectations they have for their daughter.

Dylan spends every other week with each of his parents. He frequently brings up rules that one parent has at their home in an attempt to undermine the rules at the home of the other parent. Instead of looking at this as manipulation on Dylan's part, the parents fight amongst themselves about which of them is "right" and how the other parent should change their rules.

In each of these cases the child/adolescent has learned how to manipulate his parents in order to get what they want. Here are some simple steps that you can take to avoid some of the parental pitfalls discussed above.

* Good communication. The key to eliminating manipulation

When parents communicate respectfully and regularly it helps to cut off opportunities for manipulation. If your child has a history of trying to play one parent against the other it is wise to tell your child that a decision will not be made until you check in with the other parent. A quick conversation or phone call can save a lot of problems from occurring due to misunderstandings.

* Talk to your children about your expectations regarding manipulation. Let them know that it is not OK.

Both parents should be present at this discussion in order to show solidarity about this rule. Setting ground rules about manipulative behavior will set some clear boundaries for your child. You should also talk about how your child should approach you if they strongly disagree with a decision you have made. Dr. Michael Popkin, creator of "Democratic Parenting", states that in a democracy "Everyone has their say but not everyone has their way." Practice "Democratic Parenting" by allowing your child to express their opinions and incorporate their point of view into the decisions that you make.

* Never overturn a decision made by the other parent!

This does not mean that the two parents always need to agree, nor does it mean that a decision can not be changed. If you have a difference of opinion about a decision that has been made, talk to your spouse in private and attempt to come to a decision that you can both agree on. Never discuss an issue or argue about it in front of the child! When a decision is reached have the parent who made the original decision discuss the change with the child.

* If the child is living in different homes with divorced/separated parents

Do not get into a debate with your child about whose rules are better and why. It will only add to the stress and confusion that the child is experiencing. Tell your child that the rules are different at each home. If rules at the other home need to be addressed – DO NOT get your child involved in those discussions. The two parents need to find a way to communicate about the concerns without getting the children involved. If it is impossible to talk to the other parent you may need to hire a mediator or counselor to help intervene between the two of you.

In most cases, if a child is using manipulation to get what he wants it is because the parents have not set clear boundaries and rules about this behavior. A child has a daunting enough task just being a child. They do not need the added responsibility of getting into power struggles with the adults that are supposed to be helping them to feel secure and safe. As parents it is our responsibility to be the adults in the family and model good communication, cooperation and decision making. Well adjusted families are built on love and limits and our children feel most secure when they know that their parents are willing to take charge.