If you had known Matt when he was a youngster, he would have seemed like any other child of his age. Friends and relatives described him as curious, active, intelligent and perhaps a bit precocious. His dad was the Assistant Manager of the local electronics stereo outlet, and Mom taught at the local junior high school. Both parents were active in community events and they had friends and neighbors that looked up to them as model parents. Today, at 16, Matt has issues with anger. He has frequent outbursts when not allowed to have the car, when asked to be in by his curfew, or just about any time he hears the word "no." With supportive parents, a stable home and well adjusted siblings, why has Matt resorted to intimidation and anger when he does not get his way? There is a good chance that he learned this behavior at a very early age and has refined and modified it as he has gotten older. Why? Because the behaviors have worked! Matt found that if he played his cards right he would be rewarded for "bad behavior".

To understand the origins of this behavior, let's travel back through time to when Matt was only three years old. On this day Matt and his mother are taking a trip to the local grocery store to pick up groceries for dinner. Mommy seats Matt in the front of the grocery cart with his favorite stuffed action figure to keep him company as they shop. As they enter the first aisle, Matt spies the candy counter and announces to Mommy, "I want candy!" and points to the counter. Mommy responds "Not today dear. We are just here to get a few things and then we are going home to have lunch." Undaunted, Matt repeats in a slightly louder whine, "I want some candy!" "Stop yelling!," mother retorts as she looks around anxiously at the other shoppers in her area, "we are not getting candy today!" Matt, sensing the anxiety apparent in his mothers voice, now cranks it into high gear. "I want candy!, I want candy!" he screeches. His ability to turn blue is a nice touch that adds to Mom's mortification and attracts the attention of a woman picking out toilet tissue across the aisle. In desperation Mom tells Matt sternly "OK, if you promise to be good while I get what I need, we will get you a candy bar on the way out of the store." Matt behaves for the remainder of the shopping expedition, gets his candy bar, and mother gets out of the store without further embarrassment.

The incident replays itself in grocery stores, toys stores and department stores across the nation every day. So what's the big deal? How has this lead to Matt's aggressive behaviors as an adolescent? Let's take another look at the incident from Matt's viewpoint. As he entered the store Matt spotted something he wanted – candy. He asked his mother for some and she responded "No." As Matt escalated his acting out behaviors he sensed the discomfort in his mother and used this to press his advantage. When Mom caved in, Matt won! What did he learn? "When I want something, if I make a big enough scene, there is a good chance I’ll get it." Even after mom (dad) says "No". Armed with this new hypothesis, Matt began trying out this new tool of manipulation. Sometimes Mom or Dad gave in because Matt embarrassed them, sometimes they were just too tired to argue. In each case, they reinforced Matt's belief that he could get what he wanted if he "behaved badly." Now, at sixteen years old, Matt has this "bad behavior" stuff down to a science. He know exactly how to push his parents buttons through anger, whining and/or intimidation. What started out as a temper tantrum over a candy bar at the age of three has now become a dysfunctional technique for getting what he wants from his parents, girlfriend and peers. He has even been working on refining the technique to be used in school. So, how do you handle outbursts without giving in to your child or risk being escorted from the store due to the commotion caused by your unruly youngster? If I had "the" answer I would be a very rich therapist. As in all parenting techniques there is no absolute answer. Every child is different and so is every parent. What will work for the neighbor's children will not be effective for Matt, and vice versa. With this said, there are some key concepts that are universally effective for all parenting styles.

* Be consistent

If the answer is "no" then don't allow pressure (bad behavior) from your toddler ( child, teenager) to change your mind. If your child learns that she can get a different answer if she behaves badly it could become a pattern of behavior that she refines to get what she wants in the future.

* Don't allow yourself to get rattled

Even if you do not give in but your child knows that he has rattled you, there is a good chance he will try again, with more intensity next time. Work to remain calm and in control as the parent. Create strategies that will keep you in control without losing your temper.

* Plan Ahead

If your child begins to exhibit "bad behaviors" when you are in public, plan ahead about how you will handle them so you will not be caught unprepared. One possible strategy might be to leave the store if your child becomes disruptive and execute a time out for your child when you get home. Other, more proactive strategies are described below.

* Make a deal with your child to reward "good behavior"

Tell your child that if they behave while you are shopping they can have a piece of candy when you leave "as a reward for good behavior". The reward does not have to be a candy bar at the counter. Bring a small candy or cookie with you and use that as an incentive for good behavior. Maybe the reward would not include candy but it could be some reading time with mom or some extra TV time etc. Find something that will work for your child (as I said before – each child is different) and reward your child for "being good".

* State lovingly, but firmly, what your behavioral expectations are

Remind your child of these expectations as you enter the supermarket (toy store, department store, etc.) along with the consequences (not punishment - consequence) for misbehaving. Making a habit of talking to your children about your parental expectations is one of the most powerful, yet under used, strategies for helping your child modify his/her behaviors.

* Involve your child in the shopping so that it will be fun for the both of you

If he is old enough, point to the items you need and ask him to get them for you, or sing a song with him or talk about something fun. These distractions will give your child much sought after, positive attention that may be enough to get you through the excursion.

* Attempt to find a cash register line without a candy display

If you think that candy (toys, ice cream, etc.) may become an issue, be preemptive. Avoid them!

* Explore your options

If you know that your child is having a bad day ask yourself, "Is there a better time to do this shopping?" or "Is there someone I can leave my son with while I get the groceries?" As stated previously, no one strategy will work for all children all of the time. As the parent, you are the "expert" on your child, and in the best position to know what might work for him or her. Don’t be afraid to try out various strategies to see which work best for you and your child. Keep your attitude positive and upbeat (possibly even silly and fun?) and that positive attitude could rub off on your charge. If the problem persists, consider seeking help from a mental health professional who specializes in family therapy for children/adolescents with behavioral challenges. Although behavioral challenges can be addressed at any age, the earlier you start, the better the chances for a successful outcome.