As a therapist and workshop leader, I have had the opportunity to speak with parents and teachers across New England about challenges, concerns and dreams that they harbor for their children, students and families. One universal desire that emerges consistently is the hope that children/students be happy and successful, feel secure, and live at peace with themselves and their world. These noble aspirations make sense since they are the cornerstones of an engaging and fulfilling life. When these same adults are asked if these goals are priorities for themselves, many will respond that they have too many other responsibilities to work on these things. They rationalize that, "It is more important for my child to be happy. I have too much going on to worry about being happy, successful and at peace at this stage of my life." What these well meaning adults fail to realize is that you can't give away something that you don't have!

If you meet a good friend on the street and they need $100.00, would you give it to them? What if you wanted to help them out because you knew that they wanted the money for a very good reason, but when you pulled out your wallet you found that there was nothing in it. Would you now give them the money they requested? Of course not. No matter how good your intention, you can not give away something that you do not have! The same thing goes for all the things that you desire for the children in your life, be they your sons and daughters, your students, children of friends' or any youngster that you come in contact with. In order to give something away you need to have it in your possession or your best intentions will come up empty.

In order for this concept to have meaning for you it has to be internalized, so please don't take my word for it. Challenge the concept in your own mind. If you have ever chaperoned a bus trip with a group of fifth graders, who do most of the kids want to be paired with? The parent/teacher who spends the trip telling the students to sit down, be quiet, stay in line OR the parent/teacher who tells jokes, leads some songs and plays travel games with them during the long ride. Kids are tremendously intuitive and they can tell when adults are happy, comfortable, sad, overwhelmed or just going through the motions. As a parent or teacher we spend large amounts of time with the youngsters in our lives and, make no mistake, they are watching us all the time. They look to us, the adults in their lives, not only to teach them, keep them safe and help them with their problems but they also look to us to begin to understand how adults act and what things are important in an adult world.

The best way to help a child find happiness is to share with them the happiness that we have inside ourselves. The surest way to help your child feel secure and at peace is to model for them a secure and peaceful environment where they feel safe to ask questions, express themselves and explore their world. As parents and educators we are our children’s most influential teachers and our charges look to us every minute of every day for information about academics and about life. Children learn by listening to what we tell them but they learn and absorb much more readily by watching the adults in their world and processing the lessons we are teaching them by the way we act, react, and respond to our world. By taking care of ourselves, as the important adults in their lives, we will have more to give away when our children ask us for the things they need in order to be happy, successful, secure and at peace in their world.

Take Care of Yourself

Deadlines, stress, lack of time and personal commitments all play a role in our inability to make the time we require to respect our need for self-nurturing and working to have our own needs met. I am frequently met with the lament "I don't even have time to get my to-do list done, never mind finding additional time to do something nice for myself." Making time for yourself, like any other new project, takes some planning, time management and commitment, but it can be done. The benefit of this commitment is the opportunity to recharge your batteries, enhance your perspective and adjust your attitude. You are also modeling to your children that happiness, self-care and taking the time to take care of yourself are important priorities in life.

While a member of the National Speakers Association I had the opportunity to interview Alan W., a very successful speaker, author, and workshop leader. He also managed to juggle time with his family, social commitments and business responsibilities while still having time to work out at the gym and vacation frequently with his wife. During the interview I asked him how he managed to find the time to do all of these things to which he replied, "When you really want to do something, you will find the time to do it." He went on to explain that he truly enjoyed his life, his writing, his speaking and his relationships and looked forward to starting each new day. He did not view his life as a series of obligations, commitments and energy draining tasks but as a series of creative opportunities and learning experiences. I am reminded of the story of a man who comes home exhausted from work only to be reminded that he had promised his partner that he would spend the evening cleaning the garage. "I just can't," he lamented. "I hardly have the energy to get up the stairs and go to bed". Just then the phone rings and his friend announces "I got court side seats for tonight’s basketball game", to which our exhausted executive exclaims, "I can be ready in fifteen minutes." We can always find the time and energy to do the things that we want to do! So the key is to allow yourself to "be selfish" and make it a priority to take care of yourself. If it feels uncomfortable for you to "be selfish", tell yourself you are doing it for your children.

The Place To Start

Make a list of things that you enjoy doing for YOU. Things that relax you and help alleviate stress. Maybe it is reading, or taking a bath. It could be talking to a friend on the phone or hitting a few golf balls. Write down whatever helps you to relax, unwind, and feel better about yourself and your day. Don't just do this mentally. By writing it down you are taking the time to make this commitment to yourself. Seeing it on paper also helps to organize your thinking and cement your resolve.

The next part is the hardest. Block out a time during your day and commit to making it "your time." A time to pamper, take care of and rejuvenate yourself. Plan ahead and have a book, music or space available for when you are ready. Try to plan a time when you are not likely to be disturbed. Possibly first thing in the morning after getting the children off to school, or at night after putting the kids to bed. If you have a partner, tell him/her what you are doing, and why, so that they will respect your time and be less likely to interrupt. Maybe your special time includes your partner? Then, Enjoy Your Time! Try not to think about what you "should" be doing or what needs to happen after you are done. Be in the moment and respect yourself enough to fully enjoy the time that you have allotted. Start with just 10 or 15 minutes and if you find that this respite is helpful, you can increase the time as you increase the commitment you make to yourself. Remember - You can't give away something that you don't have, so work on taking better care of your children by taking better care of yourself!